Joe attempts satire

Los Angeles area police, cocaine dealers anxious for Lohan’s release

by joestrummerlives

Los Angeles, CA. – Local police and cocaine dealers have found an unlikely common cause; both organizations are chomping at the bit for the release of Lindsay Lohan from her current stint in the Promises Rehab Center. Since the initial announcement that celebrity coke hound Lohan would enter rehab, the street value of powder cocaine has plummeted, leading to falling profits for both street level and wholesale dealers. The problem was further exacerbated when the actress extended her stay in the treatment facility.

“Man, it is killing my bottom line”, said David Williams, actor, director, small time retail dealer, and short order cook at Cal’s Diner on Wilshire. Smoking a cigarette next to the diner’s dumpster, Williams continued, “Normally, I can get $250 to $300 bucks an ounce. Now, I am lucky to get $100. Since Lindsay went to rehab, the demand has cratered, supply is up, and prices are down”. After stubbing out the cigarette, he added, “I know it is simple economics, really, but people are hurting out here. Look, I gotta cut this short, my break is almost over and I need to do a read through with Roberto the dishwasher”.

The new economic reality has alarmed many officers of the LAPD. Detective Martin Pinkowsky, a 12 year veteran of the Narcotics division, says that the current cocaine prices are the lowest he has ever seen.

“We used to worry that marijuana was the gateway drug but it seems those days are long gone. When Lindsay Lohan went into rehab and the asking price of cocaine collapsed, well, what can I say”, said Pinkowsky at his desk at Central Processing.

“Kids are the most price-sensitive segment in the drug market; they look for value. And they know they are paying upwards of three times the price per ounce for pot than they are for coke right now. The problem we are having”, he continued, "is that the kids are not doing enough blow to match the demand generated by Lohan. Until demand grows organically and drives up coke prices or Lindsay picks up her old habits, this is the new normal.”

While the police and their low-level adversaries are concerned, the large wholesalers are beginning to ponder their options. Carlos Manuel Mendez, Los Angeles area spokesperson for the Juarez cartel, has recently had to halt shipments due to the sudden glut of illicit powder.

“There is simply too much product in the pipeline and no foreseeable surge on the demand side of the equation.”

Mr. Mendez, dressed in a sharp khaki suit, dark sunglasses and a look of resignation, had been counting on Lohan’s release from treatment for her July 3rd birthday.

“Last week, we had high hopes that Mrs. Lohan’s 21st birthday celebration would have absorbed some of the excess supply, but that is not to be. When we received word that she would remain in treatment for the event, what little upwards price pressure there was evaporated”. That has caused problems up and down the supply chain.

“Market forces have required that we halt imports from our Columbian suppliers. As you can well understand, we are troubled by the current state of affairs, as are our well-armed associates to the South. My people want to see the cocaine market returned to balance, if for no other reason than to avoid, shall we say, contractual disputes”.

Furthermore, the cartel is looking into other enterprises to supplement lagging cocaine profits.

“We are exploring some interesting new avenues, methamphetamine, illegal aliens, exotic animals. We are confident that our cartel will bounce back from this poor second quarter result and meet our fiscal year goals.”

As Mendez stepped into his convertible Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano, he said “we hope that Mrs. Lohan steps in to stabilize the current situation but if not, we are committed to our trademark customer service and will continue to meet the needs of our loyal clientele”.