AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! - THIS MUST BE STOPPED

OK - I am really trying to keep a cool head about this but if this post descends into a screaming tirade of obscenity, apologies up front. I love Frank Sinatra. He is the definition of cool motherfucker. He is the only person cooler than Steve McQueen or Samuel L. Jackson (the reigning coolest living guy on the planet). Frank was tough, passionate, and completely original. He had almost limitless talent and he operated by his own set of rules. He was the King of Hoboken, boozer extraordinaire, legendary lady's man, and the Democrat that may have gotten (with the help of his Mob friends) JFK elected. He won ten Grammys, an Oscar, and founded Reprise Records. He was swagger, lust for life, and "I don’t give a fuck" personified. It takes a special sort of person to earn the title of Chairman of the Board.

Michael Bolton is the anti-Sinatra. He is a milquetoast; passionate in the sense that his music is meant to send unhappily married women into vapors but with no real substance. For the better part of his career, he sported the most ridiculous hairstyle this side of Billy Ray Cyrus. And most unforgivable, he steals other people's best music rather than try to come up with his own. Bolton has already defiled the great Otis Redding; a man with a most distinctive and powerful voice. Otis may have had the best pure voice of the whole Motown era and the songs he sang were his alone. Redding owned (Sitting on) The Dock of the Bay. That song is straight up iconic. It stood up for twenty years until Michael Badhair raped it. And now the bastard wants to take on Mr. Sinatra.

The whole notion that an empty vessel such as Michael Bolton could tackle Sinatra is laughable on its face. Frank would have personally beaten the shit out of him. Bolton has no swagger, no style of his own, and no sense of humor. It is one thing for Sid Vicious to cover "My Way". Sid was a clown stealing the sentiment but completely reworking the song. I actually like his version as it plays as farce. Sid knew it was a joke. I am sure that Sinatra would have understood that. I am also sure that Bolton approached this project with complete earnestness, as he sees himself as a real artist. This is his error.

Aside for my aversion to Bolton stealing another man's genius for his own mediocre talents, two other issues bug me to no end. For starters, the subtitle of "Bolton Swings Sinatra" - ungh. You must be kidding me. In our physical universe, that is not even possible. Bolton does not swing in comparison to Old Blue Eyes. To suggest so on the cover of an album covering that man's music is blasphemy. Secondly, he duets with his current flame, Nicollette Sheridan (!?!?!?) of Desperate Housewives, on "The Second Time Around". OMG - make it stop.

I have not heard this album. It may be unfair to have judged it without hearing it. Fair enough. But I have heard Bolton drag other greats into the sonic gutter and I cannot bear the idea that he would do it again to yet another American musical legend. So screw the fairness. This man must be stopped before he can kill another artist's songbook again.