The Onion rules

I wish I could write like this.

Shitty Neighborhood Rallies Against Asshole Developer

CHICAGO—Residents of the Carney Gardens neighborhood on Chicago's South Side are opposing an effort by asshole real-estate developer Royce Messner to build a godawful $45 million strip mall and condominium complex in the crime-ridden shithole they call home.

The Save Carney Neighborhood Foundation, the most organized non-criminal group in this part of town, has filed a lawsuit in federal court to block the scheduled April 2008 groundbreaking. While halting the project would surely prevent a tragic urban-planning nightmare, it would also mean keeping the run-down, economically depressed community exactly as it is.

[Snip]

"Where are all these people supposed to go if they put up that mall here—Gary, Indiana?" said Hynes, as if living in a filthy, dangerous joke of a city was some kind of affront to her standards.

Hilarious.

Hollowing out Brown versus Board

To say the Brown versus the Board of Education was a landmark Supreme Court ruling really understates the importance of that ruling. Brown effectively overturned the “separate but equal” precedent set by Plessy versus Ferguson and mandated integration. The Court’s decision yesterday rolls back a big piece of Brown by declaring unconstitutional any school choice plan that considers race as a factor, even if the purpose of the plan is to achieve racial diversity. By demanding that all such devices be colorblind, Chief Roberts, author of the majority opinion, has cut the legs out from under Brown. Justice Breyer’s dissent fleshes out the damage:

"The plurality pays inadequate attention to this law, to past opinions' rationales, their language, and the contexts in which they arise. As a result, it reverses course and reaches the wrong conclusion. In doing so, it distorts precedent, it misapplies the relevant constitutional principles, it announces legal rules that will obstruct efforts by state and local governments to deal effectively with the growing resegregation of public schools, it threatens to substitute for present calm a disruptive round of race-related litigation, and it undermines Brown's promise of integrated primary and secondary education that local communities have sought to make a reality. This cannot be justified in the name of the Equal Protection Clause."

Cannot be justified indeed...

Justice Kennedy does, however, offer a sliver of hope in that while he sided with the majority, he believes diversity is a goal worth pursuing and some acceptable proxy for race, like economic class or neighborhood can be used to craft a policy.

"The enduring hope is that race should not matter; the reality is that too often it does. This is by way of preface to my respectful submission that parts of the opinion by the Chief Justice imply an all-too-unyielding insistence that race cannot be a factor in instances when, in my view, it may be taken into account. The plurality opinion is too dismissive of the legitimate interest government has in ensuring all people have equal opportunity regardless of their race. The plurality's postulate that '(t)he way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race,' is not sufficient to decide these cases. Fifty years of experience since Brown v. Board of Education should teach us that the problem before us defies so easy a solution. School districts can seek to reach Brown's objective of equal educational opportunity. The plurality opinion is at least open to the interpretation that the Constitution requires school districts to ignore the problem of de facto resegregation in schooling. I cannot endorse that conclusion. To the extent the plurality opinion suggests the Constitution mandates that state and local school authorities must accept the status quo of racial isolation in schools, it is, in my view, profoundly mistaken."

Putting that aside, what I find most troubling is the willingness of the majority to once again abandon logic for the sake of conservative dogma. If racial integration in education is constitutionally mandated, how in the world is it unconstitutional to use race a factor in creating policy to achieve said integration? That is stupid and nonsensical. This is like asking someone to make dinner while wearing a blindfold. Sure, you may be able actually get something hot, but chances are the family will not like the outcome and you are going to be cut or burned in the process.

Here we have another case where the Roberts Court twists its reasoning to conform to their ideological mold. Saddest of all, these folks are going to be around for a long time and they will wreak much havoc.

Romney supports torture for terrorists, pets

No decent, reasonably intelligent person straps his dog to the roof of the car and then drives from Boston to Ontario. Mitt Romney is neither decent nor intelligent.

The resurrection has failed

The Senate just killed the immigration bill. That should effectively halt any major action on the issue until after the next election.

Showdown

The Senate finally issued subpoenas for documents regard the infamous firing of US Attorneys and the White House has, of course, refused to comply, claiming executive privilege. If Leahy is serious and cites the White House for contempt, we could have a pretty big constitutional turf war between Congress and the Executive Branch. This could get very interesting.

Contradiction? What’s that?

Two free speech decisions rendered yesterday highlight the strict adherence to ideology, rather than logic or law, which guides the Roberts Supreme Court. In case number one, the Court ruled 5-4 that a student’s “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” banner hung at a school-sponsored event was not protected speech because the message advocated illegal drug use. Strangely, the Court specifically limited the scope to advocacy of drug use and not other crimes.

In a concurrence, Justices Samuel Alito and Anthony Kennedy said the court's opinion "goes no further" than speech interpreted as dealing with illegal drug use.

"It provides no support" for any restriction that goes to political or social issues, they said.

That seems oddly narrow to me but what do I know.

(Sidebar – what do you think the Court would do if the banner had read “Darvocet tabs for Jesus”?)

The second case of interest was also a First Amendment issue but the outcome would seem to contradict the first ruling. The Court ruled that McCain-Feingold unconstitutionally outlawed certain types of advertising prior to elections.

Under the 2002 campaign finance reform pushed by Republican McCain and Democratic Senator Russ Feingold, interest groups were banned from funding ads that name a candidate for office in the immediate run-up to an election.

The aim was to prevent the kind of "attack ads" that have become increasingly prevalent on the US political scene in the closing weeks of heated campaigns.

Specifically, ads paid for out of corporate coffers were barred 30 days before a primary ballot, and 60 days before a general election.

Chief Justice John Roberts said the court had to draw a line between partisan ads explicitly targeting a candidate in the home stretch of a campaign, and broader campaign messages by advocacy groups.

"In drawing that line, the (constitutional) First Amendment requires us to err on the side of protecting political speech rather than suppressing it," Roberts wrote in the majority opinion.

I call bullshit. For one thing, conservatives, especially the corporatist wing, always favor is amplifying the influence of money and that is what this is about. The Right has the money and they like it to speak for them.

But what really irks me is viewing these decisions side by side. Follow me here: speech that advocates something illegal, by inference, is speech that argues for a change in the law. How can one interpret that as anything but political speech? To my mind, one cannot. Yet the Court held that speech of this type is not protected. Speech that is, however, directly political and practiced by shady groups with little or no accountability in mass media is protected. So why is one form of political speech good and another bad? How can one resolve this obvious contradiction? Everything makes sense when view through the lens of ideology. Conservatives believe that drugs are bad (they are correct here) and the Chamber of Commerce is good (here, not so much). Therefore, money must have its megaphone and unpopular ideas must be quashed. With these two cases, the Court boldly and broadly said screw equal application and consistency, we answer to the higher calling of ideological purity.

Phoning it in

So I am hanging out in the living room with Lo and J. when the phone rings. It is around 6:30 PM so I am pretty sure it is a solicitation of some sort but I answered anyway. Here is a rough, paraphrased transcript of the conversation that transpired:

Me: Hello?

Caller (in a slow, droning monotone): May I speak with Joe?

Me: This is he.

Caller (monotone continuing unabated): Hello Joe. This is Deborah with the Virginia Democratic Party. I am calling to ask for your support in helping Governor Kaine address Virginia’s transportation crisis.

Me: Uh huh.

Caller (voice sounding depressed, indifferent, and completely uninflected): The Governor is trying to secure permanent funding for the Commonwealth’s transportation projects; projects that will ease congestion and increase road safety for everyone traveling in our roads. These priorities have…

(At this point, her Ben Stein impersonation was killing me and I had to jump in.)

Me: I am sorry for cutting you off but are you looking for a donation?

Caller: Yes.

Me (slightly perturbed that this person could not muster even an ounce of enthusiasm while asking for money): Um – well I have given plenty to the Party this year and am not interested in doing anything further right now.

(pause)

Me: Look, I have to ask - your heart is really not in this is it?

Caller: No.

Me: I mean, you gotta at least try to sell me.

(pause)

Me: OK – well have a good evening then.

(Click)

So I have to ask, was I out of line here?

Darkside Dick

The Washington Post has been running a four-part series on the evil that is Dick Cheney and today’s finale is infuriating. My blood is fucking boiling and the Outrage Meter is on eleven. Suffice it to say, I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

In Oregon, a battleground state that the Bush-Cheney ticket had lost by less than half of 1 percent, drought-stricken farmers and ranchers were about to be cut off from the irrigation water that kept their cropland and pastures green. Federal biologists said the Endangered Species Act left the government no choice: The survival of two imperiled species of fish was at stake.

Law and science seemed to be on the side of the fish. Then the vice president stepped in.

First Cheney looked for a way around the law, aides said. Next he set in motion a process to challenge the science protecting the fish, according to a former Oregon congressman who lobbied for the farmers.

Because of Cheney's intervention, the government reversed itself and let the water flow in time to save the 2002 growing season, declaring that there was no threat to the fish. What followed was the largest fish kill the West had ever seen, with tens of thousands of salmon rotting on the banks of the Klamath River.

Characteristically, Cheney left no tracks.

Law and science, as has been proven repeatedly, mean shit to these fuckers. I swear to God, NOTHING, NOTHING is as important as their egos and protecting their friends’ cash. If you just can’t force yourself to read the whole piece, let me break down Cheney’s essential governing philosophy:

Having a drought, fuck the fish. Want to buy tanks instead of levies, fuck New Orleans. Want alternative fuel, fuck you. The Saudis and my friends down in Houston are still gonna get paid. Think I can’t get away with it – I once shot a friend in the face and Jay Leno was making jokes about it the next day. I am Dick Cheney. I can get away with anything.

Joe says impeach Cheney first.

Face tattoo = crazy

This guy should never again see the light of day.

Back from the dead

A cloture vote of 64-35 in favor revived the moribund immigration bill today. By most reckoning, the Senate will pass some form of legislation this year. The real test though is in the House, where the Republican caucus is deeply skeptical. With nuts like Tom Tancredo running around touting Mexicans as the next Red Menace, passage in that body is going to be a rough road indeed.

At any rate, the Rush Limbaugh’s of the world are going to launch into full foaming rage at any minute and will bring much of the base with them. Get ready for a massive intraparty squabble on the Right – should be fun to watch.

Lugar is out

Richard Lugar, like John Warner, is a voice that sane Republicans rightly respect. These two guys are old school pragmatists on military and foreign policy issues. When they talk, smart people listen. Warner has already given voice to his hesitance to stay the course, now it is Lugar calling for a new strategy (bear in mind neither has yet called for a pullout however). When the Pro-war coalition loses their support, well, the cause probably no longer worth pursuing.

Unfortunately, this development will in no way influence the Commander Guy. God has told him to liberate Iraq, so we are going to keep whacking away until Congress grows some balls or the clock runs out on his Presidency.

Whimper

Because Lo and I were literally stuck on a boat last week, I completely missed out on the public reaction to the Sopranos finale. So I conspicuously avoided any media coverage of same. Well, I finally got to watch it and all I can say is what a piece of shit cop out. If ever a show needed to end with a bang, this was it. Instead, we get a pathetic whimper, a safe and sanitary exit, stage left. Blech! And the five seconds of black screen and no sound that ended the episode; I thought for a moment that the cable had cut out. When the show’s ending can be mistaken for a service interruption, the script needs a rewrite.

The staff at the Onion takes a somewhat darker view of the series’ closing moments.

NEW YORK—Actor James Gandolfini, best known for his portrayal of mob kingpin Tony Soprano on the hit HBO show The Sopranos, was shot to death Tuesday in a Greenwich Village restaurant by a fan unable to accept the open-ended conclusion of the series finale that aired earlier this month.

According to police reports, 28-year-old marketing research assistant Louis Bowen walked into the small Italian restaurant Occhiuto's at approximately 7:40 p.m. and headed directly toward Gandolfini's table. Bowen then drew a snub-nosed .38 revolver from his jacket and shot Gandolfini point-blank in the head three times before dropping the gun and calmly exiting the eatery.

Bowen was apprehended two blocks away by two NYPD officers and reportedly put up no resistance.

"I couldn't let it just hang," Bowen told police in a post-arrest confession released to the media. "Eight years of my life, and a fucking artsy cut to black? It was eating me up inside."

Applause

Now this is a step in the right direction. The mandated increase in fuel efficiency is LONG overdue. The rest of the bill is pretty good too though by no means perfect. For starters, I hope that they will take another crack at getting more money for alternative fuels and cutting the subsidies to oil companies making 30 billion dollars a year in profit.

Hasn’t he done enough damage?

Jesus Christ, somebody, anybody, please prevent Ralph Nader from running again.

These people suck

The Justice Department was one of those areas of government that is supposed to be more or less apolitical. It would not do to have the motivations of investigators become a legal defense (“They only came after me because of my beliefs”, etc.). The Bush Administration has changed all of that.

Karen Stevens, Tovah Calderon and Teresa Kwong had a lot in common. They had good performance ratings as career lawyers in the Justice Department's civil rights division. And they were minority women transferred out of their jobs two years ago -- over the objections of their immediate supervisors -- by Bradley Schlozman, then the acting assistant attorney general for civil rights.

Schlozman ordered supervisors to tell the women that they had performance problems or that the office was overstaffed. But one lawyer, Conor Dugan, told colleagues that the recent Bush appointee had confided that his real motive was to "make room for some good Americans" [emphasis mine] in that high-impact office, according to four lawyers who said they heard the account from Dugan.

How disgusting is that? An acting AG, for Civil Rights no less, removed three competent minority women so that “some good Americans” could replace them. I swear, this Administration has zero shame but an enormous talent for irony.

Mayor Mike declares independence

NYC Mayor Michael Bloomburg has quit the Republican Party. The speculation is that the Democrat-turned-Republican-turned-Indie is going to mount a self-funded (he is worth like $5 Billion) third-party Presidential campaign. I am not sure which way this cuts in terms of the race as yet but if Bloomberg get into the race, you Rudy! is gonna be pissed.

Grounds for disqualification

In its infinite wisdom, the Clinton operation has chosen the god-awful musical stylings of Celine fucking Dion for its campaign theme song. One of the things that bothers me about Hillary is that she will always play it safe and take the path of least resistance, even when it means compromising on principle. Her vote for the war springs to mind. By going with the utterly milquetoast, not to mention French-Canadian, Dion, Hillary has chosen the ultimate safety. And now I have to hear that crap anytime CNN covers a rally (which is always). Ugghhh…

Back from vacation

Lo and I just got back from a cruise to Bermuda – much fun. We almost covered our bar tab with casino winnings. Anyway, I was in a sort of self-imposed media blackout so I missed the whole Palestine meltdown. So I was thinking “Shit – things are pretty rough right now” when I noticed the lovely Sara had put this in Comments.

The Pogues are shilling for motherfucking Cadillac; Sunny Side of the Street no less. Sometimes it seems best not to leave home.

The Fox effect

So I was reading this article about the death (for now anyway) of the immigration bill yesterday and was thunderstruck by the following passage:

In a recent poll by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center, 55 percent of the respondents said penalizing employers who hire illegals is the best way to reduce illegal immigration. One in four said more border agents is the best answer, and 7 percent favored more border fences.

When the word "amnesty" was not invoked, 62 percent of Republicans said they favored letting illegal immigrants now in the country obtain citizenship if they have jobs, pass background checks and pay fines. But only 47 percent of Republicans said they favored giving amnesty to illegal immigrants if they met those same conditions.

Democrats, independents and moderate and liberal Republicans were most concerned about jobs, but conservative Republicans were about equally concerned with jobs and terrorism.

The scary thing about Fox, Rush, O’Reilly, et al. is their ability to make certain words or phrases taboo in America. There are some brilliant wordsmiths on the Right, Frank Luntz comes to mind, but the Luntzes of the world need a distribution network. That’s were the Rightwing Noise Machine comes in. They work to pound whatever the talking point of the day is home. They repeat the message over and over again, and they never, ever leave the script.

The estate tax is a perfect example of this phenomenon. Tell people you want to tax dead rich folks and they say great idea. Call the same thing the “death tax” and those same people will demand that Congress repeal the tax. The success of this tactic has stalled and/or killed any number of good ideas; the aforementioned estate tax, national health insurance (“socialized medicine”), environmental responsibility (“global warming is a hoax”) and so on. It appears they have succeeded once again.

This would explain why 62% support what is de facto amnesty, while only 47% support it when it is actaully called amnesty (not to mention why immigration is conflated with terrorism). To a lot of (stupid) people out there, amnesty is the new death tax. The 15% who hold this contradictory view occupy the overlap area of a pro/anti immigration Venn Diagram. That these folks are so confused is not an accident. They drank the Hannity Kool-Aid. What amazes me is that this crap still works.

More debate fun

The funniest line of the debate, hands down, came from Tommy Thompson in response to a question of how he would use Bush in his Administration.

SPRADLING: …Governor Thompson, I'd like to know, seeing as how you were a member of President Bush's Cabinet as health and human services secretary, how would you use George W. Bush in your administration?

THOMPSON: I certainly would not send him to the United Nations.

(LAUGHTER)

I believe George W. Bush has tremendous characteristics. He's very honest. He's very straightforward. I would put him out on a lecture series, talking to the youth of America about honesty, integrity, perseverance, passion, and serving the public[emphasis mine].

That, ladies and gentlemen, is hysterical. Having George Bush talk to kids about honesty and integrity is akin to having Keith Richards lecture them on the virutes of clean living.

Lunacy

During the debate last night, Giuliani, Gilmore, Hunter and Romney all agreed that, should the US desire to destroy Iran’s nuclear capability, tactical nuclear weapons would be considered a viable option.

Preemptive war, preemptive nuclear strike – what’s the diff? This kind of thinking is just fucking appalling.

Throw the bum out

Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA) was indicted today on corruption charges. You will remember Jefferson as the representative with $90, 000 cash stored in his freezer. Judging from the article, Jefferson is in some deep, deep trouble.

Two of Jefferson's associates have already struck plea bargains with prosecutors and have been sentenced.

Brett Pfeffer, a former congressional aide, admitted soliciting bribes on Jefferson's behalf and was sentenced to eight years in prison.

Another Jefferson associate, Louisville, Ky., telecommunications executive Vernon Jackson, pleaded guilty to paying between $400,000 and $1 million in bribes to Jefferson in exchange for his assistance securing business deals in Nigeria and other African nations. Jackson was sentenced to more than seven years in prison.

Both Pfeffer and Jackson agreed to cooperate in the case against Jefferson in exchange for their pleas.

I know that he is innocent until proven guilty and all that but wow, the guy looks dirty as hell.

These people suck at foreign policy – Part Two

Well, Bush has so antagonized Vladmir Putin that he may put Europe in Russia's nuclear crosshairs.

MOSCOW, Russia (AP) -- Moscow could aim nuclear weapons at targets in Europe as part of "retaliatory steps" if Washington proceeds with building a missile defense system on the continent, Russian President Vladimir Putin said Monday.

Speaking to foreign reporters days before he travels to Germany for the annual summit with President Bush and the other Group of Eight leaders, Putin assailed the White House plan to place a radar system in the Czech Republic and interceptor missiles in neighboring Poland. Washington says the system is needed to counter a potential threat from Iran.
In an interview released Monday, Putin suggested that Russia may respond to the threat by aiming its nuclear weapons at Europe.

"If a part of the strategic nuclear potential of the United States appears in Europe and, in the opinion of our military specialists, will threaten us, then we will have to take appropriate steps in response. What kind of steps? We will have to have new targets in Europe," Putin said, according to a transcript released by the Kremlin. These could be targeted with "ballistic or cruise missiles or maybe a completely new system" he said.

Great, with two wars going poorly, let’s start another Cold War for good measure. Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick; this country is ruled by idiots.

These people suck at foreign policy – Part One

The diplomatic failure associated with the War on Terror stands as one of the crowning fuckups of this Administration, and boy, there are quite a few from which to choose. Thanks in large part to a bullying approach to foreign policy and tone-deaf diplomacy, the Muslim world largely sees our anti-terrorism efforts and the war in Iraq especially, as being a war on Islam. Unfortunately, that blunder may carry the greatest consequences.

Roughly 8 in 10 people surveyed in Egypt, Indonesia, Morocco, and Pakistan agreed that the United States is trying to "weaken and divide the Islamic world." Bush administration officials, including the president, have frequently said that they are doing nothing of the sort, and that they respect Islam as a great religion. These views are particularly troubling since they come from four countries that, traditionally, have had good relations with the United States and that play an outsize role in the politics of the Islamic world.

Wow - these countries are our allies even. This mistrust of the US will hamper American foreign policy in the Islamic world for a generation. Thus are the consequences of Bush’s stupid and arrogant behavior. I pray that the next President will be wise enough to exercise some humility and restraint. We have a lot of fences to mend.

No news is good news

So Paris is in jail, Lindsay is in rehab, and Britney seems to have completely checked out. The next issue of Us Weekly is gonna be thinner than K-Fed’s resume.

Pounding on the wedge

The immigration issue has roiled the Republican base to the point of fury. As a result, the money is drying up to the point where the RNC has fired all of its telephone solicitors.

The Republican National Committee, hit by a grass-roots donors' rebellion over President Bush's immigration policy, has fired all 65 of its telephone solicitors, Ralph Z. Hallow will report Friday in The Washington Times. Faced with an estimated 40 percent fall-off in small-donor contributions and aging phone-bank equipment that the RNC said would cost too much to update, Anne Hathaway, the committee's chief of staff, summoned the solicitations staff last week and told them they were out of work, effective immediately, the fired staffers told The Times. [Ed. Note – classy to give these people zero notice BTW].

[Snip]

There has been a sharp decline in contributions from RNC phone solicitations, another fired staffer said, reporting that many former donors flatly refuse to give more money to the national party if Mr. Bush and the Senate Republicans insist on supporting what these angry contributors call "amnesty" for illegal aliens.

"Everyone donor in 50 states we reached has been angry, especially in the last month and a half, and for 99 percent of them immigration is the No. 1 issue," said the former employee.

This is what happens when rightwing noise machine pushes a big portion of your Party to the Homer Simpson position on immigration. The estimable Mr. Simpson:

Did you know that every day Mexican gays sneak into the country and unplug our brain-dead ladies?

After years of portraying illegal immigrants as the only rival to terrorists for the title of America’s Biggest Threat, guess what. People will actually start to believe that Mexicans are the harbinger of the end times; an army of zombie gardeners hell-bent on unplugging our brain-dead ladies.

Making your breaks

I love living in a world where this can happen.